Congratulations! You’ve survived the first half of 2020! Does the idea of there being a full six months left in this godforsaken year make you want to violently vomit? Yeah…us too.
Emotionally speaking, the first half of 2020 has lasted approximately six months and 487 years.
Quarantine time distortion is a real thing. That’s why we’re willing to bet that you will not believe the events we’ve compiled on this list actually took place in the year of our lord 2020. Time is a human construct that has lost all meaning this year, whether due to isolation or just the unending onslaught of world-ending news.
In all likelihood, you’ll probably experience the memory of these events now like they’re from a bygone era, a time when humanity was more innocent and naive, and less — you know — on the brink of total societal collapse and whatnot. But as strange and far away as they seem, this is the reality of our timeline.
So get ready to dive headfirst into that wormhole, friends! Let’s defy the laws of physics together as we walk down a memory lane located in the bowels of hell 🙂
Your body might want to physically reject the fact that the following events took place only a few months ago. But as your soul fights to leave your body, just try not to think about what the next six months will look like too.
1. Parasite won the Oscar for Best Film in January
Remember the collective joy we all felt when, against all odds, Parasite took its rightful place as crowned King of Hollywood? Joy might sound like an alien concept to us now. But it was possible once. (For those who’ve forgotten: joi, noun, the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying, according to Dictionary.com).
Also, try to wrap your brain around the idea of all these celebrities sitting in an enclosed theater together while COVID-19 was already spreading across America. Protect Bong Joon-ho at all costs!
20 years ago, Harvey told me when a woman says the sex wasn’t consensual, “Sometimes you have to write a check.“ Turns out sometimes you have to go to prison.
— Kim Masters (@kimmasters) February 24, 2020
It’s hard to recall any justice being served in 2020. But folks, it indeed did occur in at least one case.
3. Michael Bloomberg ran for president until March
Honestly, file the entire Democratic primary under Things From Another Timeline. Bloomberg’s campaign might go down in history as a mere blip on the radar, but at least the Moves Like Bloomberg video will be forever.
I can’t care about Harry and Meghan leaving the royal family because I am only in day 33 of my 100 day mourning period following Snooki’s exit from the Jersey Shore family.
— ᴍᴀᴛᴛ ᴊᴀᴍᴇs 973 (@_Matt_James_) January 8, 2020
Six months ago, we actually cared that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry were moving out of a British castle and into a McMansion somewhere else. Who even were we?
5. Actual Brexit happened in January too
As Americans trying to deal with our own dumpster fire of a country, it can be hard to keep track of the clusterfucks happening across the pond. But as recently as six months ago, the U.K. thought it was a good idea to officially break up with the European Union. Then the pandemic hit. We’re #allinthistogether though right, Boris?
Love is Blind was social distance dating before it was cool, The Circle revealed how sanity deteriorates when social media is your connection to the outside world, and Too Hot to Handle understood the pain of needing to abstain from sex for the greater good. I don’t know where Netflix keeps its crystal ball, but can they let us know if we make it to the season finale of 2020?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) January 26, 2020
Grief can warp time as much as quarantine. That’s the case for many still mourning the loss of NBA legend Kobe Bryant. The fatal helicopter crash that killed both him, his daughter Gianna, and seven other passengers remains a tragedy that people around the world are still working to process all these months later.
8. Australia faced devastating bushfires through March
Australia was engulfed in unprecedented bushfires from September 2019 through March 2020. They caused untold damage and losses, though thankfully some rescued animals are now being released back into the wild.
9. Twitter thought WW3 memes were cute in January
Australia is still burning
And now world war 3 is trending
2020 is telling everyone to hold its beer
— BossLogic (@Bosslogic) January 3, 2020
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but we probably shouldn’t make memes out of acts of war that threaten to bring about the collapse of global peace. But after President Donald Trump ordered a U.S. drone strike on Iranian General Qasem Soleimani, that’s where our heads were at in the beginning of the year.
10. Our impeached president was acquitted in February
We all knew it was coming. But the impeachment trial is nothing but a distant, faint memory now.
11. We were risking it all to watch Cats, Dolittle, and Sonic the Hedgehog in theaters back in January and February
thinking about how maybe the only movie i’ll see in theaters this year is cats
— morgan sung (@morgan_sung) May 6, 2020
Cats actually released in December 2019, but that doesn’t mean unmasked masses weren’t packed together into theaters watching it and other cinematic classics like Robert Downey Jr.’s Dolittle at the beginning of the year. Whatever your film of choice was, I hope you can live with the knowledge that it’ll probably be the last movie you watched in theaters in 2020 — at least without being a public health risk, that is.
11. J-Lo and Shakira did a concert—I mean Super Bowl LIV happened in February
I couldn’t tell you who competed over the football during The Big Game this year. But J-Lo and Shakira put on a halftime show performance for the ages, despite it only happening such a short time ago. Unfortunately, this sporting event also birthed Baby Nut, and the Earth has been cursed ever since.
12. We debated the status of New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s nipples in April
I know we all want to forget the Horny for Cuomo Movement, but it’s a dark chapter of 2020 we must reckon and live with so we do not repeat our historic mistakes again. Does Gov. Cumo have pierced nipples? I do not know and may Satan erase all traces of that question from my brain.
13. Nobody remembered 420, and it wasn’t because we were too high in April
Unable to puff puff pass, 420 was a sad state of affairs this year as stoners everywhere grappled with unknown risk factors of smoking during the pandemic. I mean, we didn’t even notice that the whole month of April was technically 420. But now that the pandemic has messed with all our sense of reality, time, and memory even when we’re sober, we can stop blaming it all on pot.
We wish we didn’t have to remind you about this one either but, yet again, the collective internet must atone for its sins. So next time there’s speculation that Kim Jong-un has died, let’s not fan cam the next presumptive North Korean dictator, OK?
15. Despite no one asking for it, Quibi released in April
Hey remember when we were all literally locked in our homes with nothing to do and still nobody downloaded Quibi?
— Alan Denton (@AlanTheWriter) April 15, 2020
Remember Quibi? No? Haha same.
16. Armed protesters mad about haircuts stormed Michigan’s state capitol in May
If you ever hear someone reduce the Black Lives Matter protests of 2020 to “rioting” and “looting,” remind them that less than a month prior to those peaceful demonstrations, anti-lockdown protesters armed with automatic weapons stormed Michigan’s state capitol. And unlike many peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters, none of those armed gunmen were shot at, tear-gassed, or killed.
17. Grimes gave birth in May
Elon Musk’s quarantine arc feels like it could fill the entire length of a Star Wars trilogy. The man has pulled more shit in 2020 than any one can be bothered to remember. But among his greatest hits were: being red pilled, raging against safe-at-home orders so he could put his employees’ health at risk, and vowed to sell all his possessions.
Oh also, he and Grimes had a baby. Happy two months of life, X Æ A-12!
18. The Pentagon released UFO videos and no one cared in April
OK, to be fair, the Pentagon didn’t actually call it a UFO, opting instead for the verbiage of “unidentified aerial phenomena.” And UFO doesn’t mean aliens. And the footage wasn’t new, having leaked years prior. But the fact that the US Government officially recognized a UFO is pretty! fucking! huge! news! It happened on the same day our president advised citizens drink bleach to cure coronavirus, though, so we don’t blame you if you don’t remember it.
Because let’s be real: At this point, all our brains are worms, nothing is real, we live in a simulation. 2021 here we come baby!